Right now it is 8:56 am on Wednesday morning. 4 days ago Mark would be alive right now, and he was being baptized and kissed and snuggled, and being told how much dada and mama love him.
It's been 4 days since we had my Mark, and I cannot stop crying. I feel so empty, like somthing is missing now...even though I have 3 other boys, a wonderful, amazing husband who I love sooo much, and I really do LOVE my life. It just feels as though our family will be missing a very integral part of it...Mark.
My milk is coming in today, and it hurts so bad to know that my babe is soppose to nourished by it. I find myself talking to my belly, as is habit, and then go to rub it like I always did, and he's gone...Johnny says he can still hear me even though he isn't here physically; I really really hope this is true! Every little thing has to do with him...even doing the dishes. I look down to where my belly would have been, and think "he used to be right there hundreds of times, alive". I went to the store yesterday for the first time without him, and couldn't contain myself. I THOUGHT that I had come to grips with things...that I had learned over the months to accept this as God's plan, and to be at peace with it. But now....I'm feeling NOT at peace with this, and so upset at times that we have to lose our babe. We are good parents, and wanted him soooo bad. There are so many mothers that don't want their babys, and abuse them, and take drugs with them...why not one of the ones that don't want their babys anyway?
With my situation, I had numerous issues with the pregnancy, and they felt that it best if I did not receive a c-serction, so it was deemed essential to have a vag. birth. They monitored me closly and said once his head reached term they would deliver. My last US at 30 weeks 6 days indicated his head was at almost 38 weeks so induction was set for later in the week. I was 31 weeks 3 days when I had him. I also had tons of fluid, polyhydramnios. Also, Mark was a footling breech and they could not turn him, though we tried. Due to all the water, they could not get a good hold on his body to turn him. They did not break my water until I was 10 cm because of the fact that he was a footling breech (I guess that to dilate, the cervix needs somthing firm to be pressing on it, and feet wouldn't do the trick).
Right before they broke my water, I felt him move for the last time. Because his feet were on my cervix, that is where I felt him. He was dancing! it felt like a little 2 step *smile* He was telling me he was excited to meet us! Once I was 10 cm they broke the water and there was a massive flood! he came out right with it, no contractions...he just washed out! I think that the force of the water did it. He was purple...then they gave him the free flow oxygen (which was a tube we had to hold to his nose, unlike the one with the 2 nose holes that they tape to the face)...that sucked because we always had to have one hand holding the tube, so we couldn't have both hands free. Needless to say we are soooooooo happy we got to hold him alive for 1 hr 12 min. It really meant the world to hold him while his soul was still with him...but I really wish he had been responsive. After he was born, he made 2 attempts to cry, little "mews" really. It was so cute, he was really trying to be strong for us and show us how he wanted to be there for us. But he was too tired, and he gave up. He couldn't open his eyes, or close his hand, or move. He became unresponsive and didn't move. It was like he was sleeping the whole time. I really wish I could have seen his little eyes and seen him move. But I also know that this way there was no suffering at all. He didn't gasp for breath once. It was like he was asleep and his heartrate just kept getting lower and lower, until the angels said it was time to go with them to heaven.
We miss him soooooo much. SOOOO much. We LOVE YOU MARKY BEAR, and can't wait to hold you again one day.
My next post will be details of the labour and birth. I just can't do anymore today. I will be doing it soon, so I don't forget anything...and this is why I'm doing this blog. So I never forget one detail. I also want other mamas and families dealing with this to know that they are not alone. I know that other blogs helped me so much while dealing with this.
Mama,
ReplyDeleteIt is ok to be angry and break down. It makes you human and more importantly it makes you a mother. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. My thoughts continue to be with you and your family at this time.
I'm very glad to read he didn't suffer. I was thinking about you the other day, after reading he was born and hoped he didn't struggle to breathe at all. I can't imagine what that would of been like, I mean it was hard enough as it was.. that would of been terrible.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story with so many people. You will surely be some kind of comfort for people going though the same thing. :)
Precious mother,
ReplyDeleteGod hears you too and He is in control, there was a plan but I understand the pain...I too didn;t understand why God was doing what He was doing in my life when we lost 2 pregnancies and 3 babies in less then a year. I was angry and hurt that God, who was suppose to Love me and care for me would allow this to happen. I knew he was the "Great Creator, Author of my Faith, etc..." but I had lost sight of the fact that jesus was also my best friend, one who sticks closer then a brother. When the disciples were in the boat with Jesus and the storm came up and they were afraid they were going to die, they had forgotten who they were with, I too had forgotten WHO I was with, it took months too remember and get comfort but it happened, I am healing and Go dis faithful.
Hang in there, God is big enough for the anger, the tears and the sorrow, give it all to Him and please don't forget WHO you are with. He will heal the broken hearted.
BTW, Mark is beautiful, and I am so glad you got pictures!
I am so sorry for you loss. You are such a strong woman to handle this as well as you are. Mark is a beautiful baby and is blessed with such an amazimg mamma.
ReplyDeleteIt is okay to be angry and to grieve. It's where you should be right now. Continue to listen to your heart and your body. It will get easier as time goes by. It doesn't feel like it now but it will. It's been 13 years since I lost my daughter and I still talk to her. I have to believe she hears me, it's how I finally came to terms with her not being here with me. My heart is with you and your family. If you need anything...
ReplyDeleteI have no words, but lots of prayers, tears and hugs for you.
ReplyDeleteI read this and I though of you.
ReplyDelete"I'll lend you for a little time a child of mine, He said,
for you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty two or three,
but will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?
She'll bring her charms to gladden you,
and shall her stay be brief,
you'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
but there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true
and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love,
nor think the labour vain,
nor hate me when I come to call to take her back again?
I fancied that I heard them say:
Dear Lord, thy will be done!
For all the joy thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter her with tenderness,
we'll love her while we may,
and for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
but shall the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned,
we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."