Almost One Year!

Wow, Mark would have been 11 months old on June 10th! The time has gone so fast, yet I feel like I've lived a life time the last 11 months. I know that Mark is here with me everyday, I can feel him. I think he's laughing at the craziness his brothers are up to ALL THE TIME!

I live my life in happiness. I have 3 wonderful boys to raise, and an AMAZING husband! I love my family to pieces...yet I think of Mark all of the time. It's like even when I'm not thinking about him, my brain is thinking of him. Can't explain it...only an angel mama would understand.

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Parts of me try to avoid certain things. For example, his bag. We have 2 bags upstairs with Marks things in it. The first bag is the bag I packed for the hospital. It has his towel in it, the one that they put him in when he was born. He peed in it as soon as he was born! I have not, nor will I ever wash that towel. I also have his cloth wash cloths that we used for his bath. Some other things. The second bag is the bag that the funeral home gave us back when we picked up his ashes. It has his little outfit in it, his special blankie, the cloth diaper I made him, his little hat, and the angel wrap I made him to wrap his little body in. I have trouble going through the bags.
I think it's because I KNOW I will have a complete breakdown when I do. We have his urn and his little "keep sake box" down here in our corner cupboard. His box has his locks os hair, his "Mark" bracelet, his "Infant Loss charm bracelet" and some other small things in it. We go to that box often.

Mark this is for you:
"Marky bear! I have so much to tell you. I know you already know, because I know you're here all the time, but you're going to be a big brother! Little baby fuzzy (as Granny calls him) is now 19 weeks along. About the same time we found out your were sick. We will tell him and your other brothers all about you! you will not be forgotten, and you will always be a "big" and "little" brother. Your birthday is coming up and we're going to have a bash for you. We will be at the beach house that day, and will write your name in the sand at sunset. We'll have a cake and balloons too! Oh and I'm trying to collect some preemie clothes to donate to the NICU at St. Joeseph's hospital in honour of your birthday. Bryan wants to know how his 2 gold fish are, and that you're taking care of them! :) We love you Mark!"