You would be 2!

I cannot believe how fast the time has gone...you would have been 2 already!


We had a really nice birthday party for you. Your brothers sent up some balloons for you to play with in Heave. One was a Cars balloon and the other was Spiderman. I know you would love both of those shows at your age! we had chicken fingers and french fries...another favourite that I'm sure you would just love. And last but not least a Boston Cream Cake! 


I know that you would have had a party in Heaven too...you have lots of beautiful angel friends with you up there.


Mark, mama and papa miss you so much. We think of you every single day! you will never ever leave our thoughts. We feel you with us a lot.


Your baby brother is already 9 months old! we will tell him all about you...his big brother, and what a beautiful angel you are.

"These are my footprints, 
so perfect and so small. 
These tiny footprints 
never touched the ground at all. 
Not one tiny footprint, 
for now I have wings. 
These tiny footprints were meant 
for other things. 
You will hear my tiny footprints, 
in the patter of the rain. 
Gentle drops like angel's tears, 
of joy and not from pain. 
You will see my tiny footprints, 
in each butterflies' lazy dance. 
I'll let you know I'm with you, 
if you just give me the chance. 
You will see my tiny footprints, 
in the rustle of the leaves. 
I will whisper names into the wind, 
and call each one that grieves. 
Most of all, these tiny footprints, 
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts. 
'Cause even though I'm gone now, 
We'll never truly part." 

You're a Big Brother!

Mark, my little angel...it's been a while since I posted on here...but you've been on my mind and heart every single day. I miss you!

You are now a big brother! Your little baby brother Johnny Mark, was born on September 27th :) He's so cute! he looks like you and daddy. You would now be 18 months old, walking and starting to talk. You would be playing with your big brothers and causing trouble I'm sure!

It's almost Christmas time. I feel sad that you're not here with me. I bought you a star Christmas ornament that is engraved with your name for our tree. I'm sure you see it, and I'm sure you will be here with us in your own way.

I am also opening an online store in your memory. It is called "Outfits for Preemies" in Memory of Baby Mark. I will have preemie clothes that mamas and papas can take for free...for their little angels or sick babies that are too small to fit normal sized babes. I will make angel pockets for babies that micro preemies too. Here is the facebook link to the start of your cause http://www.causes.com/causes/507806-in-memory-of-mark-johnson-outfits-for-preemies . I'm hoping to have your store up by the end of this year.

I love you baby...I will be on here more :) <3

Almost One Year!

Wow, Mark would have been 11 months old on June 10th! The time has gone so fast, yet I feel like I've lived a life time the last 11 months. I know that Mark is here with me everyday, I can feel him. I think he's laughing at the craziness his brothers are up to ALL THE TIME!

I live my life in happiness. I have 3 wonderful boys to raise, and an AMAZING husband! I love my family to pieces...yet I think of Mark all of the time. It's like even when I'm not thinking about him, my brain is thinking of him. Can't explain it...only an angel mama would understand.

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Parts of me try to avoid certain things. For example, his bag. We have 2 bags upstairs with Marks things in it. The first bag is the bag I packed for the hospital. It has his towel in it, the one that they put him in when he was born. He peed in it as soon as he was born! I have not, nor will I ever wash that towel. I also have his cloth wash cloths that we used for his bath. Some other things. The second bag is the bag that the funeral home gave us back when we picked up his ashes. It has his little outfit in it, his special blankie, the cloth diaper I made him, his little hat, and the angel wrap I made him to wrap his little body in. I have trouble going through the bags.
I think it's because I KNOW I will have a complete breakdown when I do. We have his urn and his little "keep sake box" down here in our corner cupboard. His box has his locks os hair, his "Mark" bracelet, his "Infant Loss charm bracelet" and some other small things in it. We go to that box often.

Mark this is for you:
"Marky bear! I have so much to tell you. I know you already know, because I know you're here all the time, but you're going to be a big brother! Little baby fuzzy (as Granny calls him) is now 19 weeks along. About the same time we found out your were sick. We will tell him and your other brothers all about you! you will not be forgotten, and you will always be a "big" and "little" brother. Your birthday is coming up and we're going to have a bash for you. We will be at the beach house that day, and will write your name in the sand at sunset. We'll have a cake and balloons too! Oh and I'm trying to collect some preemie clothes to donate to the NICU at St. Joeseph's hospital in honour of your birthday. Bryan wants to know how his 2 gold fish are, and that you're taking care of them! :) We love you Mark!"

my babe...I miss you

I thought of you today and closed my eyes, and prayed to God. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say: "A mother has a baby. This we know is true." " But God, can you be a mother when your babys not with you?" "Yes you can." He replied, with confidence in his voice. " I give many woman babies, when they leave its not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others only days and some I send to feel your womb. But there is no need to stay." "I just dont understand this God. I want my baby here." He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear. "I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children who say:" "We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly. My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home. They'll be waiting for you at heavens gate. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of. Right from the very start!"

To All Angel Mommies this Christmas...

I find that I just want to talk about my baby sometimes. He was alive, he was beautiful...he was a gift from God. We were blessed to have him a part of our lives. I was blessed to feel his body grow within mine...to feel his feet kicking me...to know that his heart was beating inside of me. I get upset, especially at this time of year, when people disregard him. I know that it is sometimes how people deal with things. I've even been told "Don't be selfish, I don't talk about him to protect my emotional well being"...BUT what about MY emotional well being? as his mother who is still grieving the loss of her little baby, sometimes I just want to validate and reiterate his existence. Please let me do this...don't change the subject when I need to talk about him. This would have been his first Christmas, and I just miss him so much...

To All Angel Mommies,

We are Angel parents and though it’s sad it’s true,
We live each day in silence, just so not to upset you,
Choice we do not have because no-one wants to hear,
About the babies up in Heaven who we hold so dear.

We are Angel parents, it’s a lonely place to be,
People tend to shy away than stand and talk to me,
Only other Angel friends understand the way we feel,
They empathize and hold our hands because their pain is real.

We are Angel parents, not a title we’d hope to earn,
This was set upon us with the loss of the child we yearned,
No-one wants to be here, the membership brings pain,
The need to speak of our Angels is something we constrain.

We are Angel parents, it’s time we take a stand,
Voice our Angel stories because we know firsthand,
That this can happen to anyone, and though it’s sad it’s true,
The next poor soul to join this club may very well be you...

A Christmas Party in Heaven...

To Mark,

It's the night before Christmas, we're all filled with joy,
except when we think of you, our little Marky boy.

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care,
and in our hearts it's as if you were still here.

Your brothers are sleeping, in their bedrooms they lay,
but we're still filled with grief for our baby and that sad day.

You see, this would have been your first Christmas,
And having you here would have been pure bliss.

As I wrap up the presents my thoughts are on you,
and what we'd have bought if you were here, too.

A car, a ball, a red fire truck,
or maybe a rabbit's foot to bring you good luck.

The tree is all trimmed with bright coloured balls,
and decorations hang on all of the walls.

It looks so pretty - - I wonder if you see,
Your Christmas angel we've hung on the tree.

Tomorrow is Christmas; I'll try not to be sad,
I'll count all my blessings and try to be glad.

You've not a part in our future - - you were a part of our past
and someday I know we'll be together at last.

Almost 3 months has passed...

It's been FOREVER since I posted...
I've been rather busy and learning to live without our little Marky bear.

Since my last post, there have been several other TD babes that have grown their angel wings...the babes that are now healthy in Heaven, dancing with Mark are:
~Matthew
~Faith
~Chloe
~Fatima
~Hadley
~Gabe
Please pray that their families will heal their losses.

There is one babe Charlie, that was born at the end of August who is still doing quite well! Let's send tons of positive vibes his way that he continues to do well.

I've volunteered at the hospital on the maternity ward a few times and got to feed some itty bitty day olders! loved it. Made me sad but happy at the same time. Weird I know! but that's just how it feels. My days are so much better, more good than bad. I see the great joy in my boys and my wonderful man :) LOVE YOU JOHNNY!

Mark's memory will never pass. He is with me always. I think of him so many times a day! there has not been one day that has passed that I haven't thought of him and remembered how soft he was and the sound of his 2 little "mews". I know he is watching over me, and is with me...and that comforts me.

To Mark
I thought of you today and closed my eyes, and prayed to God. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say: "A mother has a baby. This we know is true." " But God, can you be a mother when your babys not with you?" "Yes you can." He replied, with confidence in his voice. " I give many woman babies, when they leave its not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others only days and some I send to feel your womb. But there is no need to stay." "I just dont understand this God. I want my baby here." He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear. "I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children who say:" "We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly. My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home. They'll be waiting for you at heavens gate. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of. Right from the very start!"