You're a Big Brother!

Mark, my little angel...it's been a while since I posted on here...but you've been on my mind and heart every single day. I miss you!

You are now a big brother! Your little baby brother Johnny Mark, was born on September 27th :) He's so cute! he looks like you and daddy. You would now be 18 months old, walking and starting to talk. You would be playing with your big brothers and causing trouble I'm sure!

It's almost Christmas time. I feel sad that you're not here with me. I bought you a star Christmas ornament that is engraved with your name for our tree. I'm sure you see it, and I'm sure you will be here with us in your own way.

I am also opening an online store in your memory. It is called "Outfits for Preemies" in Memory of Baby Mark. I will have preemie clothes that mamas and papas can take for free...for their little angels or sick babies that are too small to fit normal sized babes. I will make angel pockets for babies that micro preemies too. Here is the facebook link to the start of your cause http://www.causes.com/causes/507806-in-memory-of-mark-johnson-outfits-for-preemies . I'm hoping to have your store up by the end of this year.

I love you baby...I will be on here more :) <3

Almost One Year!

Wow, Mark would have been 11 months old on June 10th! The time has gone so fast, yet I feel like I've lived a life time the last 11 months. I know that Mark is here with me everyday, I can feel him. I think he's laughing at the craziness his brothers are up to ALL THE TIME!

I live my life in happiness. I have 3 wonderful boys to raise, and an AMAZING husband! I love my family to pieces...yet I think of Mark all of the time. It's like even when I'm not thinking about him, my brain is thinking of him. Can't explain it...only an angel mama would understand.

It's been a long time since I updated this blog. Parts of me try to avoid certain things. For example, his bag. We have 2 bags upstairs with Marks things in it. The first bag is the bag I packed for the hospital. It has his towel in it, the one that they put him in when he was born. He peed in it as soon as he was born! I have not, nor will I ever wash that towel. I also have his cloth wash cloths that we used for his bath. Some other things. The second bag is the bag that the funeral home gave us back when we picked up his ashes. It has his little outfit in it, his special blankie, the cloth diaper I made him, his little hat, and the angel wrap I made him to wrap his little body in. I have trouble going through the bags.
I think it's because I KNOW I will have a complete breakdown when I do. We have his urn and his little "keep sake box" down here in our corner cupboard. His box has his locks os hair, his "Mark" bracelet, his "Infant Loss charm bracelet" and some other small things in it. We go to that box often.

Mark this is for you:
"Marky bear! I have so much to tell you. I know you already know, because I know you're here all the time, but you're going to be a big brother! Little baby fuzzy (as Granny calls him) is now 19 weeks along. About the same time we found out your were sick. We will tell him and your other brothers all about you! you will not be forgotten, and you will always be a "big" and "little" brother. Your birthday is coming up and we're going to have a bash for you. We will be at the beach house that day, and will write your name in the sand at sunset. We'll have a cake and balloons too! Oh and I'm trying to collect some preemie clothes to donate to the NICU at St. Joeseph's hospital in honour of your birthday. Bryan wants to know how his 2 gold fish are, and that you're taking care of them! :) We love you Mark!"

my babe...I miss you

I thought of you today and closed my eyes, and prayed to God. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say: "A mother has a baby. This we know is true." " But God, can you be a mother when your babys not with you?" "Yes you can." He replied, with confidence in his voice. " I give many woman babies, when they leave its not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others only days and some I send to feel your womb. But there is no need to stay." "I just dont understand this God. I want my baby here." He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear. "I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children who say:" "We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly. My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home. They'll be waiting for you at heavens gate. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of. Right from the very start!"