it's been 3 weeks now

It's been awhile since I've written on here...it's now been 3 weeks 3 days since Mark was born, and we had the most wonderful hour and twelve minutes with him. I miss him soooo much. I have met some wonderful mothers through this journey, some that have had a baby diagnosed with TD and others that have had babes pass another way. No matter how, it is somthing that no parent should have to endure.

The days are better, and I'm crying a lot less. I've been keeping very busy. I just started a new job today, working at home for a great company (so far!). I have done some things to honour Mark's memory:

~I have set up a Facebook Cause, called Outfits for Preemies - In Memory of Mark Johnson. Check it out and join if you can! We had time to prepare for Mark's early delivery, and had an outfit picked out that he would wear. However, there are so many parents who are not prepared for the early birth of their babys, and that is what Mark's cause is for. To provide preemie outfits to the hospitals for parents in this situation.
~I have donated Mark's cloth diaper stash to friends and mamas who are in need of them.
~I have started the process to become a volunteer at my hospitals Mat/Child ward.
~I created a video, that shows Mark's life, before and after.
~I created an online memorial, with music and pictures, so people can go and light a candle or send a tribue.

I will be doing on-going things like this...these things are helping me in my grief process. Just knowing that his short little life is continuting to mean so much to people...that just makes me feel so good.

There have been so many other TD mamas in our little "group". There were about 8 or so, and all of us have had our babes with the exception of Fakeha, who is being induced today. My thoughts and prayers have been with her all day...I know that what she is about to go through will be so hard. Thinking of her is reminding me of the day I had Mark...all the feelings and emotions. Excited to be in labour and knowing you'd soon feel physically better, excited about meeting Mark, terrified he wouldn't be born alive, finally meeting him and having the feeling of utter pride and the most love a person can feel, watching John hold him and feeling a deep sadness knowing what is to come, feeling scared again, proud again, love again...and then the time comes when they pass and having this deep soul wrenching sorrow. That feeling stayed with me for about one and a half weeks.

I also now have this need...a strong want, to have another baby. I don't know if it's the grief talking or not. I know that another baby would not heal the pain, and I don't want it to. The pain is a part of what I have left of Mark. I think that another baby would help me to heal though...I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if I should get pregnant again though, with the cholestasis that I get when pregnant...it gets worse each time, and it was pretty nasty this time around. But I know it's controlable with meds and regular blood testing and fetal stress tests. And I also know that it was made worse with the other issues I had related with the TD. Ah, well, this is a decision that will come with time.

I still am planning on writing all about my labour and delivery. It's been hard, but I think it's time to do it in the next week :)

Johnny...when you do sit down and read this: thank you so much for all of our wonderful boys and being the great man you are...I love you so much.