it's been 3 weeks now

It's been awhile since I've written on here...it's now been 3 weeks 3 days since Mark was born, and we had the most wonderful hour and twelve minutes with him. I miss him soooo much. I have met some wonderful mothers through this journey, some that have had a baby diagnosed with TD and others that have had babes pass another way. No matter how, it is somthing that no parent should have to endure.

The days are better, and I'm crying a lot less. I've been keeping very busy. I just started a new job today, working at home for a great company (so far!). I have done some things to honour Mark's memory:

~I have set up a Facebook Cause, called Outfits for Preemies - In Memory of Mark Johnson. Check it out and join if you can! We had time to prepare for Mark's early delivery, and had an outfit picked out that he would wear. However, there are so many parents who are not prepared for the early birth of their babys, and that is what Mark's cause is for. To provide preemie outfits to the hospitals for parents in this situation.
~I have donated Mark's cloth diaper stash to friends and mamas who are in need of them.
~I have started the process to become a volunteer at my hospitals Mat/Child ward.
~I created a video, that shows Mark's life, before and after.
~I created an online memorial, with music and pictures, so people can go and light a candle or send a tribue.

I will be doing on-going things like this...these things are helping me in my grief process. Just knowing that his short little life is continuting to mean so much to people...that just makes me feel so good.

There have been so many other TD mamas in our little "group". There were about 8 or so, and all of us have had our babes with the exception of Fakeha, who is being induced today. My thoughts and prayers have been with her all day...I know that what she is about to go through will be so hard. Thinking of her is reminding me of the day I had Mark...all the feelings and emotions. Excited to be in labour and knowing you'd soon feel physically better, excited about meeting Mark, terrified he wouldn't be born alive, finally meeting him and having the feeling of utter pride and the most love a person can feel, watching John hold him and feeling a deep sadness knowing what is to come, feeling scared again, proud again, love again...and then the time comes when they pass and having this deep soul wrenching sorrow. That feeling stayed with me for about one and a half weeks.

I also now have this need...a strong want, to have another baby. I don't know if it's the grief talking or not. I know that another baby would not heal the pain, and I don't want it to. The pain is a part of what I have left of Mark. I think that another baby would help me to heal though...I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if I should get pregnant again though, with the cholestasis that I get when pregnant...it gets worse each time, and it was pretty nasty this time around. But I know it's controlable with meds and regular blood testing and fetal stress tests. And I also know that it was made worse with the other issues I had related with the TD. Ah, well, this is a decision that will come with time.

I still am planning on writing all about my labour and delivery. It's been hard, but I think it's time to do it in the next week :)

Johnny...when you do sit down and read this: thank you so much for all of our wonderful boys and being the great man you are...I love you so much.

2 weeks later...keeping Mark's name alive!

I wanted to say Thank You, to everyone who has followed our Journey with Mark. All of the thoughts, prayers, and good wishes have meant sooo much to us.

Since Mark's birth, I have been collecting preemie clothes. I have asked for donations, and bought a bunch. Yesterday I delivered the first batch to the hospital I had him at...we were able to give 23 preemie outfits in honour of Mark!!! This is somthing I will be continuing to do through the months and years.

Again, thank you all!!!

**mama and dada love you Marky Bear!***

Mark has been in Heaven for One Week

I made this today. I really LOVE this pic, but the original was all dark and blotchy, with grains and hard to make out. So I found a photo editor online and look at how awesome it came up! It has been one week since the birth and passing of our little babe. It has been the hardest week of my life. I do feel a bit better each day, and can almost feel him with me. The day before I was induced (so Thursday July 8th) I was on the computer and I looked up to the window (our computer is directly under the window with the a/c) and there was a dove sitting on the a/c (on the outside of course). He was just staring at me. He had to have been about 2 feet away and he stayed there just looking at me for like 2 minutes. The next day John saw him on the same spot, and I just saw him now. It's like Mark is saying "I'm still here with you mama and papa".

4 days after having Mark

Right now it is 8:56 am on Wednesday morning. 4 days ago Mark would be alive right now, and he was being baptized and kissed and snuggled, and being told how much dada and mama love him.

It's been 4 days since we had my Mark, and I cannot stop crying. I feel so empty, like somthing is missing now...even though I have 3 other boys, a wonderful, amazing husband who I love sooo much, and I really do LOVE my life. It just feels as though our family will be missing a very integral part of it...Mark.

My milk is coming in today, and it hurts so bad to know that my babe is soppose to nourished by it. I find myself talking to my belly, as is habit, and then go to rub it like I always did, and he's gone...Johnny says he can still hear me even though he isn't here physically; I really really hope this is true! Every little thing has to do with him...even doing the dishes. I look down to where my belly would have been, and think "he used to be right there hundreds of times, alive". I went to the store yesterday for the first time without him, and couldn't contain myself. I THOUGHT that I had come to grips with things...that I had learned over the months to accept this as God's plan, and to be at peace with it. But now....I'm feeling NOT at peace with this, and so upset at times that we have to lose our babe. We are good parents, and wanted him soooo bad. There are so many mothers that don't want their babys, and abuse them, and take drugs with them...why not one of the ones that don't want their babys anyway?

With my situation, I had numerous issues with the pregnancy, and they felt that it best if I did not receive a c-serction, so it was deemed essential to have a vag. birth. They monitored me closly and said once his head reached term they would deliver. My last US at 30 weeks 6 days indicated his head was at almost 38 weeks so induction was set for later in the week. I was 31 weeks 3 days when I had him. I also had tons of fluid, polyhydramnios. Also, Mark was a footling breech and they could not turn him, though we tried. Due to all the water, they could not get a good hold on his body to turn him. They did not break my water until I was 10 cm because of the fact that he was a footling breech (I guess that to dilate, the cervix needs somthing firm to be pressing on it, and feet wouldn't do the trick).

Right before they broke my water, I felt him move for the last time. Because his feet were on my cervix, that is where I felt him. He was dancing! it felt like a little 2 step *smile* He was telling me he was excited to meet us! Once I was 10 cm they broke the water and there was a massive flood! he came out right with it, no contractions...he just washed out! I think that the force of the water did it. He was purple...then they gave him the free flow oxygen (which was a tube we had to hold to his nose, unlike the one with the 2 nose holes that they tape to the face)...that sucked because we always had to have one hand holding the tube, so we couldn't have both hands free. Needless to say we are soooooooo happy we got to hold him alive for 1 hr 12 min. It really meant the world to hold him while his soul was still with him...but I really wish he had been responsive. After he was born, he made 2 attempts to cry, little "mews" really. It was so cute, he was really trying to be strong for us and show us how he wanted to be there for us. But he was too tired, and he gave up. He couldn't open his eyes, or close his hand, or move. He became unresponsive and didn't move. It was like he was sleeping the whole time. I really wish I could have seen his little eyes and seen him move. But I also know that this way there was no suffering at all. He didn't gasp for breath once. It was like he was asleep and his heartrate just kept getting lower and lower, until the angels said it was time to go with them to heaven.

We miss him soooooo much. SOOOO much. We LOVE YOU MARKY BEAR, and can't wait to hold you again one day.

My next post will be details of the labour and birth. I just can't do anymore today. I will be doing it soon, so I don't forget anything...and this is why I'm doing this blog. So I never forget one detail. I also want other mamas and families dealing with this to know that they are not alone. I know that other blogs helped me so much while dealing with this.

The Birth of Mark Johnson...Our Own Personal Angel

Mark Johnson was born on Saturday July 10th, at 8:31 a.m. He weighed 3 pounds, 12 ounces and was 13.5 inches long. We were blessed with one hour and twelve with Mark, before he went to his heavenly home at 9:43 a.m. Mark experienced holding hands with his mommy and daddy, hugs and kisses, being baptized, and being told “I love you” an uncountable amount of times. Mark is deeply loved and will always remain our precious baby...Mark, we will hold you again in heaven one day.

I will be writing more about this later this week, but right now I can't.

Another TD babe, Faith, is on the way

There is another mama who is 32 weeks along right now. Her baby, Faith, is also a TD babe. Her water started leaking yesterday, and now since they believe she is a high risk for infection they have induced her. Please also send your positive thoughts and prayers to her, her family, and little baby Faith. Anna, I pray for a miracle for you, and if that is not God's will, I pray you have lots of time with her. She and Mark just might share a birthday, and enter heaven holding hands. *hugs*

It's time to meet Mark, for real this time

I had another ultrasound yesterday and my OB thinks it's best that I get induced this friday morning (July 9th). My liver enzymes are still looking good, but I have developed polyhydramnios. Polyhdramnios is a build up of amniotic fluid. It is common for TD babes. Their little chests are too small to hold all of their organs comfortably, so the organs get constricted and crowded. Due to this, their throats also get constricted and they can't swallow properly, so the fluid just builds up.

I am 31 weeks today, and measuring 39 weeks due to all the fluid. I went from measuring perfect for dates 2 weeks ago (so my belly grew 10 weeks in 2 weeks!). Mark's head has also gone through a big growth spurt. His head was measuring at 32 weeks 2 weeks ago to now measuring 38 weeks. Due to the bleeding disorder that comes with cholestasis, I am NOT to have a c-section if it can be helped, so I will need to deliver this week before his head gets too big for a vag. birth. He is also breech right now, so I'm really hoping that he will turn for me in the next couple of days.

We got about 2.5 weeks extra with him; for that we are soooo very greatful. He has gone through a big growth spurt the last 2 weeks, and now is almost 4 lbs at their estimation.

We are still praying soooo hard for a miracle! they DO happen. Please Lord, let our baby have a type of dwarfism that is compatible with life (by measurments, we know he has some sort of dwarfism). We would love him to run and play, and know life. If this is not to be your plan for us and Mark, please let us have lots of time with him. I read a story from a mama who had a TD babe 2 weeks ago and he lived for 30 hours! I would LOVE to be able to breastfeed him at least once, and give him a bath. We would love to take him for a walk and show him the trees and birds. We want to give him at least a thousand kisses :)