To All Angel Mommies this Christmas...

I find that I just want to talk about my baby sometimes. He was alive, he was beautiful...he was a gift from God. We were blessed to have him a part of our lives. I was blessed to feel his body grow within mine...to feel his feet kicking me...to know that his heart was beating inside of me. I get upset, especially at this time of year, when people disregard him. I know that it is sometimes how people deal with things. I've even been told "Don't be selfish, I don't talk about him to protect my emotional well being"...BUT what about MY emotional well being? as his mother who is still grieving the loss of her little baby, sometimes I just want to validate and reiterate his existence. Please let me do this...don't change the subject when I need to talk about him. This would have been his first Christmas, and I just miss him so much...

To All Angel Mommies,

We are Angel parents and though it’s sad it’s true,
We live each day in silence, just so not to upset you,
Choice we do not have because no-one wants to hear,
About the babies up in Heaven who we hold so dear.

We are Angel parents, it’s a lonely place to be,
People tend to shy away than stand and talk to me,
Only other Angel friends understand the way we feel,
They empathize and hold our hands because their pain is real.

We are Angel parents, not a title we’d hope to earn,
This was set upon us with the loss of the child we yearned,
No-one wants to be here, the membership brings pain,
The need to speak of our Angels is something we constrain.

We are Angel parents, it’s time we take a stand,
Voice our Angel stories because we know firsthand,
That this can happen to anyone, and though it’s sad it’s true,
The next poor soul to join this club may very well be you...

A Christmas Party in Heaven...

To Mark,

It's the night before Christmas, we're all filled with joy,
except when we think of you, our little Marky boy.

The stockings are hung by the chimney with care,
and in our hearts it's as if you were still here.

Your brothers are sleeping, in their bedrooms they lay,
but we're still filled with grief for our baby and that sad day.

You see, this would have been your first Christmas,
And having you here would have been pure bliss.

As I wrap up the presents my thoughts are on you,
and what we'd have bought if you were here, too.

A car, a ball, a red fire truck,
or maybe a rabbit's foot to bring you good luck.

The tree is all trimmed with bright coloured balls,
and decorations hang on all of the walls.

It looks so pretty - - I wonder if you see,
Your Christmas angel we've hung on the tree.

Tomorrow is Christmas; I'll try not to be sad,
I'll count all my blessings and try to be glad.

You've not a part in our future - - you were a part of our past
and someday I know we'll be together at last.

Almost 3 months has passed...

It's been FOREVER since I posted...
I've been rather busy and learning to live without our little Marky bear.

Since my last post, there have been several other TD babes that have grown their angel wings...the babes that are now healthy in Heaven, dancing with Mark are:
~Matthew
~Faith
~Chloe
~Fatima
~Hadley
~Gabe
Please pray that their families will heal their losses.

There is one babe Charlie, that was born at the end of August who is still doing quite well! Let's send tons of positive vibes his way that he continues to do well.

I've volunteered at the hospital on the maternity ward a few times and got to feed some itty bitty day olders! loved it. Made me sad but happy at the same time. Weird I know! but that's just how it feels. My days are so much better, more good than bad. I see the great joy in my boys and my wonderful man :) LOVE YOU JOHNNY!

Mark's memory will never pass. He is with me always. I think of him so many times a day! there has not been one day that has passed that I haven't thought of him and remembered how soft he was and the sound of his 2 little "mews". I know he is watching over me, and is with me...and that comforts me.

To Mark
I thought of you today and closed my eyes, and prayed to God. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say: "A mother has a baby. This we know is true." " But God, can you be a mother when your babys not with you?" "Yes you can." He replied, with confidence in his voice. " I give many woman babies, when they leave its not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others only days and some I send to feel your womb. But there is no need to stay." "I just dont understand this God. I want my baby here." He took a breath and cleared his throat, and then I saw a tear. "I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today.If you could see your child smile with other children who say:" "We go to earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who has so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly. My mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much, but i visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here." "So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK. Your babies are here in my home. They'll be waiting for you at heavens gate. So now you see what makes a mother. It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of. Right from the very start!"

it's been 3 weeks now

It's been awhile since I've written on here...it's now been 3 weeks 3 days since Mark was born, and we had the most wonderful hour and twelve minutes with him. I miss him soooo much. I have met some wonderful mothers through this journey, some that have had a baby diagnosed with TD and others that have had babes pass another way. No matter how, it is somthing that no parent should have to endure.

The days are better, and I'm crying a lot less. I've been keeping very busy. I just started a new job today, working at home for a great company (so far!). I have done some things to honour Mark's memory:

~I have set up a Facebook Cause, called Outfits for Preemies - In Memory of Mark Johnson. Check it out and join if you can! We had time to prepare for Mark's early delivery, and had an outfit picked out that he would wear. However, there are so many parents who are not prepared for the early birth of their babys, and that is what Mark's cause is for. To provide preemie outfits to the hospitals for parents in this situation.
~I have donated Mark's cloth diaper stash to friends and mamas who are in need of them.
~I have started the process to become a volunteer at my hospitals Mat/Child ward.
~I created a video, that shows Mark's life, before and after.
~I created an online memorial, with music and pictures, so people can go and light a candle or send a tribue.

I will be doing on-going things like this...these things are helping me in my grief process. Just knowing that his short little life is continuting to mean so much to people...that just makes me feel so good.

There have been so many other TD mamas in our little "group". There were about 8 or so, and all of us have had our babes with the exception of Fakeha, who is being induced today. My thoughts and prayers have been with her all day...I know that what she is about to go through will be so hard. Thinking of her is reminding me of the day I had Mark...all the feelings and emotions. Excited to be in labour and knowing you'd soon feel physically better, excited about meeting Mark, terrified he wouldn't be born alive, finally meeting him and having the feeling of utter pride and the most love a person can feel, watching John hold him and feeling a deep sadness knowing what is to come, feeling scared again, proud again, love again...and then the time comes when they pass and having this deep soul wrenching sorrow. That feeling stayed with me for about one and a half weeks.

I also now have this need...a strong want, to have another baby. I don't know if it's the grief talking or not. I know that another baby would not heal the pain, and I don't want it to. The pain is a part of what I have left of Mark. I think that another baby would help me to heal though...I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if I should get pregnant again though, with the cholestasis that I get when pregnant...it gets worse each time, and it was pretty nasty this time around. But I know it's controlable with meds and regular blood testing and fetal stress tests. And I also know that it was made worse with the other issues I had related with the TD. Ah, well, this is a decision that will come with time.

I still am planning on writing all about my labour and delivery. It's been hard, but I think it's time to do it in the next week :)

Johnny...when you do sit down and read this: thank you so much for all of our wonderful boys and being the great man you are...I love you so much.

2 weeks later...keeping Mark's name alive!

I wanted to say Thank You, to everyone who has followed our Journey with Mark. All of the thoughts, prayers, and good wishes have meant sooo much to us.

Since Mark's birth, I have been collecting preemie clothes. I have asked for donations, and bought a bunch. Yesterday I delivered the first batch to the hospital I had him at...we were able to give 23 preemie outfits in honour of Mark!!! This is somthing I will be continuing to do through the months and years.

Again, thank you all!!!

**mama and dada love you Marky Bear!***

Mark has been in Heaven for One Week

I made this today. I really LOVE this pic, but the original was all dark and blotchy, with grains and hard to make out. So I found a photo editor online and look at how awesome it came up! It has been one week since the birth and passing of our little babe. It has been the hardest week of my life. I do feel a bit better each day, and can almost feel him with me. The day before I was induced (so Thursday July 8th) I was on the computer and I looked up to the window (our computer is directly under the window with the a/c) and there was a dove sitting on the a/c (on the outside of course). He was just staring at me. He had to have been about 2 feet away and he stayed there just looking at me for like 2 minutes. The next day John saw him on the same spot, and I just saw him now. It's like Mark is saying "I'm still here with you mama and papa".

4 days after having Mark

Right now it is 8:56 am on Wednesday morning. 4 days ago Mark would be alive right now, and he was being baptized and kissed and snuggled, and being told how much dada and mama love him.

It's been 4 days since we had my Mark, and I cannot stop crying. I feel so empty, like somthing is missing now...even though I have 3 other boys, a wonderful, amazing husband who I love sooo much, and I really do LOVE my life. It just feels as though our family will be missing a very integral part of it...Mark.

My milk is coming in today, and it hurts so bad to know that my babe is soppose to nourished by it. I find myself talking to my belly, as is habit, and then go to rub it like I always did, and he's gone...Johnny says he can still hear me even though he isn't here physically; I really really hope this is true! Every little thing has to do with him...even doing the dishes. I look down to where my belly would have been, and think "he used to be right there hundreds of times, alive". I went to the store yesterday for the first time without him, and couldn't contain myself. I THOUGHT that I had come to grips with things...that I had learned over the months to accept this as God's plan, and to be at peace with it. But now....I'm feeling NOT at peace with this, and so upset at times that we have to lose our babe. We are good parents, and wanted him soooo bad. There are so many mothers that don't want their babys, and abuse them, and take drugs with them...why not one of the ones that don't want their babys anyway?

With my situation, I had numerous issues with the pregnancy, and they felt that it best if I did not receive a c-serction, so it was deemed essential to have a vag. birth. They monitored me closly and said once his head reached term they would deliver. My last US at 30 weeks 6 days indicated his head was at almost 38 weeks so induction was set for later in the week. I was 31 weeks 3 days when I had him. I also had tons of fluid, polyhydramnios. Also, Mark was a footling breech and they could not turn him, though we tried. Due to all the water, they could not get a good hold on his body to turn him. They did not break my water until I was 10 cm because of the fact that he was a footling breech (I guess that to dilate, the cervix needs somthing firm to be pressing on it, and feet wouldn't do the trick).

Right before they broke my water, I felt him move for the last time. Because his feet were on my cervix, that is where I felt him. He was dancing! it felt like a little 2 step *smile* He was telling me he was excited to meet us! Once I was 10 cm they broke the water and there was a massive flood! he came out right with it, no contractions...he just washed out! I think that the force of the water did it. He was purple...then they gave him the free flow oxygen (which was a tube we had to hold to his nose, unlike the one with the 2 nose holes that they tape to the face)...that sucked because we always had to have one hand holding the tube, so we couldn't have both hands free. Needless to say we are soooooooo happy we got to hold him alive for 1 hr 12 min. It really meant the world to hold him while his soul was still with him...but I really wish he had been responsive. After he was born, he made 2 attempts to cry, little "mews" really. It was so cute, he was really trying to be strong for us and show us how he wanted to be there for us. But he was too tired, and he gave up. He couldn't open his eyes, or close his hand, or move. He became unresponsive and didn't move. It was like he was sleeping the whole time. I really wish I could have seen his little eyes and seen him move. But I also know that this way there was no suffering at all. He didn't gasp for breath once. It was like he was asleep and his heartrate just kept getting lower and lower, until the angels said it was time to go with them to heaven.

We miss him soooooo much. SOOOO much. We LOVE YOU MARKY BEAR, and can't wait to hold you again one day.

My next post will be details of the labour and birth. I just can't do anymore today. I will be doing it soon, so I don't forget anything...and this is why I'm doing this blog. So I never forget one detail. I also want other mamas and families dealing with this to know that they are not alone. I know that other blogs helped me so much while dealing with this.